As I Get Older, I Realise Lady-Whiskers Are Real

A Shameless Selfie Portrait with Whiskers and Slight 'Stache, 2019

I’m going to tell you something that is mostly kept a secret. All ladies, past a certain age, get whiskers on their chinny-chin-chin. Now I hear some of my haters say, “well that’s just because you are a witch. Everyone knows that all witches have whiskers.” And I laugh to myself and mutter, “just you wait, whippersnapper.”

I am not a hirsute person - below the average even for what is considered 'normal'. I’m lucky that way. I have a nicely shaped brow and minimal body hair to remove, if or when I choose to do so. But even I have a whisker or two. And let me tell you – they are mercurial devils, which will never be tamed. I can go weeks with a chin of a twenty-something. And then mid-way through the day – BOING – one stabs you in the hand as you stroke your chin in contemplation. (Just go with it.)

No Need to Hide Your Whiskers - It's NORMAL!

And so you get home at the end of the day, grab those tweezers, try and find that little bastard, and attempt to rip it out. This rod of hair-iron is resistant, but eventually comes out – and you marvel at the fact that it is at least a centimetre long. I mean WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

Tactics to Hide the Whiskers Include Resting Your Chin On Your Hand (We've All Done It!)

Before you know it, it’s been a week of whiskers and you wonder if the full moon has cast a hair-growing spell upon you. And then, just as aggressively as it all began, you have them all and you are back to being whisker-free - just until it begins all over again. A Luta Continua!

PS: 

I also need to remind everyone that it is entirely 100% normal for all women to have body and facial hair. I realise that we pretend that this is not the case, but during my research for this post, I came across the Ferriman-Gallwey scale of body and facial hair for women and realise how incredibly secretive the whole of society is about this completely natural occurrence. I have no idea what is wrong with female hair? We seem to like it well enough as a people, when it is on our heads. Time for this nonsense to end, don't you think? Let your Furry-man Gallwey flag fly!

The Ferriman-Gallwey Scale of Hirsutism, with Illustration by Mona Chalabi

Also, for those assuming that having some chin whiskers means something more sinister, from a health perspective, it certainly can. But also, as a woman gets older, estrogen declines, menopause takes place and whiskers are one of the results. Perfectly healthy women, thank you very much.

Keala Settle Plays Lettie Lutz, the Bearded Lady, in The Greatest Showman

And finally, I am incredibly sympathetic to those women who suffer from hirsutism. Especially in a stupid society that makes hair into a value judgement about a person. And I say, in the spirit of the bearded lady from the brilliant movie, The Greatest Showman, I won't let them break you down to dust, I know that there's a place for all of us, for you are glorious.