As I Get Older, I Want To Ban Denim Shorts

When Your Pockets Hang Below Your Hem, You Had Better Be A Supermodel

I really don't know what it is that offends me so much about a pair of denim shorts, so please take no notice of this rant - I just need to get it off my chest. But I hereby declare that I hate a short denim short. I hate the long ones too, make no mistake, but they are not nearly as ubiquitous. Now please understand that this has no bearing on the person wearing them - I have to assume most of them are perfectly nice humans. But those shorts! I vote to ban them altogether! Let me count the reasons why (the are five main ones):

1. They are not flattering in the main. I know that some people think that they are - but I have taken a good look at them, across many, many a otherwise-lovely person, and I respectfully disagree. I mean they generally squish the bum flat, end too high on the leg to flatter the leg shape and sometimes even create a pooch at the belly. Now I base this view on the general population - and the extremely hot - and always land up asking myself, "who do denim shorts really suit?" I have yet to find an answer to that question.
2. They are all too often TOO SHORT. I absolutely don't want to see anyone's bum cheek as I eat my breakfast, and yet I have had the misfortune to see many a woman's. Don't even start me on when they bend over! I'm not sure the intention of this display, but it feels gratuitous and unnecessary. Also, my bum cheek is safely ensconced in my knickers, so it also confounds me because I know that the wearer is either commando or wearing the most uncomfortable knicker known to man - the thong. And I don't want to know that. Here is a good rule of thumb - if the pockets in the front hang below the hem of the shorts - they are definitely too short. Also, it can't hurt to check your own rear view.
3. As I mentioned before, they are ubiquitous. They are seemingly the uniform of every woman aged 10 - 60, and even beyond. I simply don't understand why everyone wants to look exactly like everyone else. Where is the personal style? Where is the imagination? Surely there are any number of other items to wear about town than the same old pair of denim shorts? I know I manage perfectly successfully without owning a pair, so I know it can be done. How about we all give it a go?
4. OK, I know that they are a good casual option for the beach or a outdoorsy picnic on a hot summer day, but I have to insist that they are utterly inappropriate for any other social activity. And for goodness sake, never, ever wear them for a meeting or a casting or a meal. There is just too much information revealed by these pesky little items to ever make this a good idea.
5. And finally, they are all to often TOO TIGHT. Mostly the youngsters who are growing at a rate fall foul of this one. Also, denim is a famously stiff fabric that restricts rather than flows with your frame. When the shorts are squishing your thighs and you can't fit your phone in your pocket, well it's time to move on. It's not too hard to figure out - and if you really must wear a denim short, older denim is less stiff than new and looser is more flattering always.

If You Must Wear Denim Shorts, Looser and Longer is Better.

If my case isn't compelling enough and you are thinking to yourself, "she may know what she is talking about, but I don't care, I love my shorts." Then I say, carry on! As ever, you do you. But please take note of my gentle guidance and maybe just modify your choice of shorts a bit. It will make this old lady very happy. Thank you for listening. I say good day!