As I Get Older, I Have Three New Rules for Life

Me and Alicja Radwanska - One of My Newer Loved Ones. Also Taught Me Some Polish.

Never let it be said that young people don't know stuff - and that it is only us older, wiser folks who should be dishing out advice. That's absolute nonsense. I have learned plenty of really good things from the whippersnappers, and for that I am very grateful. But I also know that there are some things that you only learn yourself, through spending many years on earth, interacting with the vagaries of the people you encounter. Bloody hell, that's the real education. People are essentially weird. Fact. Sometimes wonderful, but mostly weird.

And based on this terrifyingly high number of weirdos and wonders I have encountered, I have three new rules that I seek to live my life by. Do you want to hear what they are? OK:

1. You don't need to spill all the juice. People really want the juice from you - especially in a crisis or a time of drama and turmoil. They want the intrigue of who did what to whom and who is the wronged, and who the wronger. They want to take your juice and share it with all their people, parading your life for amusement or entertainment, passing judgement and opinion. One of the best gifts you can give yourself, is to keep the juice to yourself until you have much better clarity and the emotional turmoil has passed. And even then, you can choose very carefully who to share your juice with. Having experienced just this thing - and received this advice from a very lovely person - I have never been more thankful and more private. That's not to say I have cut myself off from people - to the contrary, I have become a lot more open - I have just chosen carefully who I will share my life stories with, and who really doesn't need to know. My life is my business and moving forward, I will only spill the juice with the people I trust and love. As for the rest, we can laugh and joke, dress up and have a lovely time, but my private life is my own, to honour and nurture.
2. The number of people who love you is small, but they are all that matter. I have learned to stop wasting my time loving people who only love themselves. I have also learned to stop prioritising people whom I don't love. Any number of days and nights of my life have been spent enjoying the company of people - having a great time, whooping it up - whom I don't especially value. Now don't get me wrong, these people are perfectly nice and they have plenty of people who really do love them - it's just I'm not those people. And yet, there they are, with their invitations and good times, and I am seduced into spending time with them, prioritising them, investing in a friendship and future with them - only to realise, alone at home, that I don't believe they are my people at all. And the people who ARE my people have grown weary of waiting around for me to have time to see them, of being my last priority. You have got to give the best of yourself to the less-than-a-dozen or so people who really matter. Your family, the people whom you call friend, the ones you love. It's really that simple. Sometimes you add new loved ones to your life. This is great. But they are no better or more important than the older loved ones. And remember, you just don't need that many people in your life - but you need every single one of the ones who love you. They are all that count. Do you know who they are?
3. Tell the ones that you love, that you love them. Often. Annoy them with your declarations of love, pester them with making sure they know that they are a priority to you. Honour them with your best self, time spent should be as often as possible without a hard time frame and a mobile phone. Make sure they know how loved they are, and that you may be stressed and busy some of the time, but that they will always be important. I got to this realisation around my 50th birthday. I discovered that I was really loved. And it felt SO GOOD. I knew that I didn't want the people I loved to have to wait until a birthday or special occasion to get that feeling too. I knew that I wanted to be able to honestly and joyfully give my loved ones that feeling as often as possible. And so now mostly I do. I am a raw, weeping wound of feelings as often as is practical. I try and be as open and honest as I can about everything that I am feeling so that my vulnerability can grow, and build foundations of love that will last for as long as possible. But just for the ones that matter.

Tell Someone You Love Them...

It's an interesting time in my life right now. There are many changes and I am making big choices - it's definitely exciting. And these three new rules are the basis for it all, moving forward. There are risks and hurts that come with these rules. You have to learn how to set boundaries - and in general people really hate that. I have had some of the most painful interactions of my life in trying to set and uphold these boundaries. But it is worth it, and the happiness that follows is incredible. Good luck on your journey - I wish you all nothing but the joy of being loved.