As I Get Older, I Still Don't Want Kids

Hanging Out With My Family - All But Mum Loving a Selfie!

Inspired by a series of Instastories that @missmoss posted last week, I decided to that it may be helpful to someone to explain how I feel about the thorny issue of choosing not to have children - now that I am much older. And specifically address the biggest question that faces women grappling with whether or not to have children. Do I regret it all these years later? My answer is simple and honest - not for a minute. Let me explain.

I grew up in a family of women, attended a girls' school and have a very present mother. All of these incredible women have different opinions on the matter of having kids, including my sister who has two but, given half a chance, probably would have had a whole bunch more. My mother wasn't as excited by the prospect of kids, but like all women of her generation, there wasn't really a choice to be had. And I remember hearing this from my mother and knowing from when I was really small that it WAS a choice for my sister and I. And with that came a sense of power and some control over my own destiny.

Flashback to a Perfect Moment - Me + Jess + Pizza!

And emboldened by the knowledge that it was a choice, I remember being about 15 years old - listening to a talk about the impact of parenting on children in the school library - that I just knew the most responsible choice I could make in life would be to not bring new kids into the world. And of course, as the years went by from my teens into my twenties and thirties, when I shared this piece of information about myself, with others - who apparently knew me much better than I knew myself - I was informed that I would change my mind.

Frankly it's one of the many insulting barbs aimed at childless-by-choice women. There are so many of these insults, and I won't bother you with them. But my theory about this is that, because you have chosen to buck the societal 'rules' for women, you must be inadequate, wrong, broken - selfish, of course - or a dreadful human being. People just don't like people exercising their free will and showing that alternative choices are perfectly workable. And other women are far more vociferous about this than you could ever imagine. And I remember that it was so obvious to me that, if I ever felt that I wanted to have kids of my own, there were so many children in desperate need of a good home, there really was no reason to make new ones myself. I felt very at peace. And I still do 35 years later.

Godchildren - Just as Much Fun to Cuddle as Nieces

What it really came down to in the end was that I couldn't absolutely trust that a new human being was going to be better off for my parenting and influence. Almost every person is damaged in some way by their parents' issues. It's only now that I am fifty that I am figuring out my own shit, to be fair. Why would I have wanted to impose any of this on a brand new human being when I was in my twenties or thirties?

I have spent most of my life not being much of an alcohol drinker. I am always astonished at how many people - often somewhat aggressively - demand to know why you don't want to drink. You have to inevitably explain yourself and your decision. And you are held to account for not being fun or good company for this decision. (A good, healthy, sensible decision frankly). And yet, the damage and chaos caused by the excessive consumption of alcohol, cannot be denied and yet THIS is not the choice that requires a defence. And so it is with choosing not to have children.

More Perfect Moments - Me + Sammy + Dancing Concerts

Having kids is a wonderful and enriching experience for parents, I am told. So is being a very involved aunt, god mother and friend. Little people cuddles are just the best and I am lucky enough to have had many of these endless moments in my life with mini people who are growing up into incredible young adults who fill me with pride and joy. But not one of these adored youngsters has ever had to put up with me on a bad day or when I am lost or damaged or crazy or angry with the world. They really get my best self, as they deserve. And this is impossible to do as a parent.

Deciding not to have children doesn't make me better or worse person than anyone else, just as deciding to have them doesn't either. But it IS a choice for most of us. And I would really like to see this becoming the prevailing attitude in society. Kids should know from when they are tiny, that it is one of life's biggest choices - and that whichever one they choose, it's ok. Having kids is a massive responsibility and shouldn't be this inevitable thing that you just do because everyone else does.

So Many Millions of Pictures Having Fun With the Littles That I Love.

If we all accept that both are valid, and supported, choices, then the insults can stop. The pressure around 'regretting it' later will dissipate. And we can all get on with trying to be the best people we can be for the benefit of all that come after us. Not having kids is a rewarding life in its own way, just as having them is too. And, just remember, if you do ever feel that you want to add a bundle of joy to your life, well, there are many unwanted little preciousnesses that are deserving of your love and care. Now that's a responsible choice.

PS: For those for whom having kids is not a choice due to medical or other issues, I am deeply sympathetic and wish you luck with your decisions on how to address it all. It definitely makes it all a bit more of a complicated landscape and I send you nothing but love and peace.